Interview Transcripts

Christian B. Christiansen, author of the lowest selling novel in history, The Life and Limes of Jeremy Hatt, sat down recently with journalist Larry “Bubblegum” Jenkins to discuss his latest and probably last novel, his biggest regrets, critics’ reactions to one of the most disliked protagonists in literature, and his fall from fame. Below is a portion of the transcript from the interview.


LBJ: So, Christian B. Christiansen, welcome! How are you today?

CBC: Under the weather and miserable, Bubblegum.

LBJ: I’m feeling good, too. Thanks for asking. Now, let’s just start right off with the elephant in the room. The burning question. The one that’s on everyone’s mind…

CBC: Yesss?

LBJ: …the question to end all questions.

CBC: [mumbling] Oh good, a short interview.

LBJ: What made you decide to publish TLALOJH as a series of 30 separate short stories instead of one full-length novel? And why not come up with more creative titles for each short story than “Chapter 7” or “Chapter 23” for example?

CBC: Well, Bubblegum, first off, that was two questions. Secondly, I’m not sure why you wouldn’t just say the title of my series, “The Life and Limes of Jeremy Hatt”, as I think it might actually take less time than saying the first letter of each of the seven words in the title...

LBJ: [coughs]

CBC: Thirdly, to answer both questions, it is published as a novel; a novel with 30 chapters. “Chapter 7” is, in fact, quite sufficient since that chapter is indeed the 7th chapter of the novel.

LBJ: Fascinating. Does that apply to Chapter 23 as well?

CBC: Yes, Bubblegum.

LBJ: Fascinating. Speaking of titles, why “the Life and Limes”? Why not “Times”?

CBC: Well, Bubblegum, as I have already explained in numerous, better interviews, it was simply a typo that somehow made it to final print.

LBJ: How would you describe your relationship to the character you have created?

CBC: I loathe him, quite frankly, and I’m sorry that I didn’t kill him off. Perhaps then readers would have enjoyed the story more. I think most people were angry that I didn’t end the novel with his painful death. I realize now that I also should have had him birdwatch more. A story about a birdwatcher that hardly birdwatches is not that compelling.

LBJ: Where did you come up with the idea of Jeremy being a birdwatcher?

CBC: Well, Bubblegum, one day when I was walking through a woodlot with my reasonably attractive wife, this peculiar fellow ahead of us on the path was thrusting a shaky finger toward a tree, eyes like saucers, and jabbering incoherently. Something about a rare bird or some such. My frightened wife and I hurried away from him and I thought to myself, what a perfectly sad hobby for my next protagonist to have.

LBJ: It must have taken a lot of research to make it seem like Jeremy knew so much about birds.

CBC: Research?

LBJ: You seemed to take great pleasure in making Jeremy miss certain birds and trips that he’s really looking forward to. Why is that?

CBC: Well, Bubblegum, I never intended to make him happy. When I decided to give him the flu during his first weekend back in Guelph in years, I realized it might be fun to add some more irony to the story. Why not give him flu symptoms again, but this time the day before a trip that he had been looking forward to for weeks. That’s why he spent the night in the hospital waiting room instead of looking for gulls at Niagara Falls only to find out they didn’t know what was wrong. I really do love writing irony.

LBJ: In the novel, your character writes a blog called “Cerulean Sky”. Some critics have complained about your inclusion of Jeremy’s blog posts within the story, calling them, “painfully embarrassing”, “a waste of time and trees,” and “complete [censored]”. How do you respond?

[long silence followed by rustling papers and throat clearing]

LBJ: Right. Well. Now seems to be a good time wrap things up and ask a final, more personal question about your own life. Let’s end the interview on a light note.

CBC: Thank goodness.

LBJ: What does it feel like going from being a wealthy, award-winning novelist to being a bankrupt loser with no chance at ever finding a publisher stupid enough to give you another chance?

CBC: I guess that’s the ultimate irony isn’t it, Bubblegum? About time I experienced it for myself.